07/27/2021
Itâs almost moving day and while Iâm very excited to move into our new home, I am finding myself feeling so sentimental about this one. Especially the room where my âofficeâ is at.
Many of you may not know this, but in May 2020 my husband and I had a stillborn son named Hudson. The room that I run my business from was going to be his nursery. I havenât shared the following story with many people, but It has been so heavy on my heart this week to share how and why I decided to start this summer.
We were absolutely shocked when we found out I was expecting. 1000% over the moon, but shocked nonetheless. Neither my husband or I were planning on starting a family quite as soon as we did, but Godâs plans are always so much better than ours.
I had a very easy pregnancy up to the day that we lost Hudson. About a month before Hudson was born I was talking a walk around our block and remember the most clear thought crossing through my mind. âIf something were to happen to this baby, I will quit my job and start a baking businessâ. As soon as those thoughts even entered my mind, I couldnât even begin to think why I would think that. Our doctors said I had a healthy pregnancy, weâve already passed the 20 week mark, and we were absolutely elated to think that we were becoming parentsâŠwhy would anything happen now? I shrugged it off as me being hormonal and pregnant and never really thought about it again.
May 7th we went to the hospital because we couldnât feel Hudson kicking around very much. We went into an emergency C section late that night and Hudson went home to see Jesus. We were shattered. It took months before I could even begin thinking about the things I enjoyed. Baking at the very top of that list- I gave it up and fully intended on never spending another moment baking âfor funâ. Until one day I remember sitting on the couch reading through one of the many books on grief I had been given.
In one of the books it had a list of âsuggestionsâ for things to help you cope and lo and behold âspend time baking your favorite treatâ was in that list. Immediately that same thought came back to me. âIf something happens to this baby, I will start a baking businessâ. I was so mad at myself. As a mother of a stillborn, Iâm no stranger to the blame that we place on ourselves. I caught myself thinking âWas it my fault that all of this happened?!â.
I struggled to see God in those moments. I desperately wanted to feel close to Him, but couldnât help but feel like He had let me down. That next Sunday in church, we sang âKing of my Heartâ and when the praise band sang âyou are good..youâre never gonna let me downâ it felt like they were singing right to me. When I tell you there were tears, I mean buckets! He completely tore down those walls of bitterness I had been building.
Trusting Him to take this passion into His hands has been anything but easy. It is terrifying to put yourself out there for the world to criticize. But He has truly not let me down. Each and every person who stopped by my table at the farmers market for a cookie, each kind comment, every custom order- all tremendous blessings!!
All of this just to say- yâallâŠGod has been so good to me. Even in the hardest parts- He is so so so good. My greatest hope (more than selling cookies) is that if there is something youâre unsure of, that youâll give it over to Jesus- I promise you, He will not disappoint you. â€ïž