Gray House Pies

09/04/2026

It is Friday.

More specifically:

# # IT IS PIZZA FRIDAY.

Tonight from **5–7 PM**, Gray House will once again fire up the ovens and produce an irresponsible quantity of Detroit-style pizza.

This is your weekly reminder to:

# # GET IN HERE.

Come for dinner.

Grab a pizza.

Eat it hot.

Enjoy those crispy caramelized edges while they're doing whatever magical thing crispy caramelized cheese does to the human brain.

And because this happens to be **Labor Day weekend**, we have an additional suggestion:

# # BUY MORE THAN YOU NEED.

This is one of those rare occasions when poor impulse control is actually good planning.

People will be at your house Saturday.

People will be at your house Sunday.

Somebody will eventually say:

**“What are we doing for dinner?”**

And if you've planned properly, you will casually pull a Gray House pizza from the refrigerator like a person who has their life completely under control.

They reheat **beautifully**.

We know this because last weekend a neighbor reheated one on Sunday and immediately texted:

**“The pizza was phenomenal.”**

This has us reconsidering our entire business model.

Perhaps we should sell cold pizzas and make you people finish the job.

**Gray House Take & Bake.**

We make the pizza.

You provide the labor.

On Labor Day weekend.

There may be a flaw in this plan.

Anyway, they also **freeze beautifully for months**, so tonight you have options:

Eat one here.

Take one home.

Take three home.

Fill the freezer.

Become the emergency pizza provider for the entire Labor Day weekend.

But FIRST:

# # TONIGHT IS PIZZA NIGHT.

**5–7 PM.**

Seven Detroit-style pizzas.

Hot ovens.

Cold drinks.

Crispy edges.

And absolutely no reason for you to cook dinner tonight.

**GET IN HERE.**

And while you're here...

**BUY A BUNCH.**

Tomorrow You will be extremely impressed with Friday You.

— Gray House Pies

Click here for an update from Gray House Pies!

09/04/2026

**NEWS FLASH**

Yesterday we reported the groundbreaking discovery that Key Lime Pie activates the human body's **Internal Air-Conditioning Response™.**

We thought that was the end of it.

It wasn't.

Late last night, researchers at the Gray House Institute of Pie-Based Thermoregulation made another discovery:

# # RED, WHITE & BLUE PIE ALSO COOLS YOU DOWN.

Possibly even faster.

This surprised us because Red, White & Blue Pie contains **apples, cherries and blueberries**, none of which are key limes.

So researchers immediately began drinking coffee and making things up.

Here's what we've learned.

**APPLES**

Apples are approximately 86% water.

Water is used in swimming pools.

Swimming pools are cool.

Therefore apples cool you down.

This is basic thermodynamics.

**CHERRIES**

Cherries are red.

Fire trucks are also red.

Fire trucks spray water.

Water cools things.

The scientific connection here is frankly difficult to ignore.

**BLUEBERRIES**

This is where things get remarkable.

Blue is universally recognized as a cold color.

Ice cubes are blue in cartoons.

Cold-water faucets have blue dots.

Weather maps use blue when horrible things are happening in Minnesota.

Blueberries therefore contain naturally occurring **Cold Color Molecules™**, which scientists believe travel directly from the digestive tract to your personal thermostat.

But the real breakthrough occurs when you combine all three fruits.

Apple + Cherry + Blueberry creates what researchers are calling the:

# # **TRIPLE-FRUIT THERMAL SUPPRESSION EFFECT™**

Individually, the fruits cool.

Together, they apparently form a tiny edible heat pump.

And there's more.

Red.

White.

Blue.

🇺🇸

Which means Red, White & Blue Pie isn't merely cooling.

**It's patriotic cooling.**

This is particularly important with Labor Day approaching.

Scientists believe eating Red, White & Blue Pie over Labor Day weekend may simultaneously lower your body temperature AND demonstrate support for the United States of America.

We have not determined whether eating two pies makes you twice as patriotic.

Research continues.

So with temperatures hovering around 90 degrees, you now have two medically questionable treatment options:

**KEY LIME PIE**
Activates your Internal Air-Conditioning Response™.

**RED, WHITE & BLUE PIE**
Uses apples, cherries and blueberries to create Triple-Fruit Thermal Suppression™ while simultaneously honoring America.

Your doctor may prescribe either.

Or both.

In fact, Pie Man is now recommending **combination therapy.**

One Key Lime.

One Red, White & Blue.

Keep refrigerated.

Administer as needed.

And remember:

**This Labor Day, stay cool. Eat pie. Support America.**

We're pretty sure that's what the holiday is about.

— Gray House Pies

*The medical claims in this email were evaluated by absolutely nobody. During an actual heat wave, drink water, stay cool and follow legitimate heat-safety advice. Pie should be used primarily for being delicious.*

This pie appears only three weeks a year; Memorial Day, Fourth of July and Labor Day. Our Red, White and Blue Pie combines fresh peeled apples, tart cherries and plump blueberries for a flavor that would be popular all year long. Order yours now for the big weekend.

Click here for an update from Gray House Pies!

09/04/2026

PIZZA NIGHT

IT’S FRIDAY.
THERE WILL BE PIZZA.

Tonight. 5–7 PM.

Seven Detroit-style pizzas. Hot out of the oven. Thick, airy crust. Crispy caramelized cheese edges.

In other words:

GET IN HERE.

And because it’s Labor Day weekend, consider buying more pizza than any reasonable person needs tonight.

They reheat beautifully. They freeze beautifully. A neighbor reheated one last Sunday and texted:

“The pizza was phenomenal.”

This is the strongest independent research our pizza department has ever received.

Eat one tonight.
Take one home for Saturday.
Hide one in the freezer from your family.

Pizza Friday · 5–7 PM.

Friday You takes care of Weekend You.

09/04/2026

It is Friday.

More specifically:

# # IT IS PIZZA FRIDAY.

Tonight from **5–7 PM**, Gray House will once again fire up the ovens and produce an irresponsible quantity of Detroit-style pizza.

This is your weekly reminder to:

# # GET IN HERE.

Come for dinner.

Grab a pizza.

Eat it hot.

Enjoy those crispy caramelized edges while they're doing whatever magical thing crispy caramelized cheese does to the human brain.

And because this happens to be **Labor Day weekend**, we have an additional suggestion:

# # BUY MORE THAN YOU NEED.

This is one of those rare occasions when poor impulse control is actually good planning.

People will be at your house Saturday.

People will be at your house Sunday.

Somebody will eventually say:

**“What are we doing for dinner?”**

And if you've planned properly, you will casually pull a Gray House pizza from the refrigerator like a person who has their life completely under control.

They reheat **beautifully**.

We know this because last weekend a neighbor reheated one on Sunday and immediately texted:

**“The pizza was phenomenal.”**

This has us reconsidering our entire business model.

Perhaps we should sell cold pizzas and make you people finish the job.

**Gray House Take & Bake.**

We make the pizza.

You provide the labor.

On Labor Day weekend.

There may be a flaw in this plan.

Anyway, they also **freeze beautifully for months**, so tonight you have options:

Eat one here.

Take one home.

Take three home.

Fill the freezer.

Become the emergency pizza provider for the entire Labor Day weekend.

But FIRST:

# # TONIGHT IS PIZZA NIGHT.

**5–7 PM.**

Seven Detroit-style pizzas.

Hot ovens.

Cold drinks.

Crispy edges.

And absolutely no reason for you to cook dinner tonight.

**GET IN HERE.**

And while you're here...

**BUY A BUNCH.**

Tomorrow You will be extremely impressed with Friday You.

— Gray House Pies

Click here for an update from Gray House Pies!

09/04/2026

Labor Day is this weekend.

Labor Day, of course, was established to honor the American worker by giving everyone a day off from work.

Except restaurant workers.

And grocery-store workers.

And hospital workers.

And police officers.

And firefighters.

And the people at Gray House who apparently will be making your pizza.

We have contacted the Department of Labor about this obvious oversight.

Nobody has returned our call.

So while the investigation continues, **Pizza Friday is ON.**

And we have SEVEN pizzas, because recent scientific research conducted right here at Gray House has determined:

**When we offer more pizzas, you buy more pizzas.**

This discovery has rocked the culinary world.

Tonight:

**CHEESE — $12**
Wisconsin brick & white cheddar. The working man's pizza.

**PEPPERONI — $15**
Pepperoni. Pizza. America. We probably could have put an eagle here.

**TRE FORMAGGI — $15**
Wisconsin brick, white cheddar & real buffalo mozzarella. Three Cheese went to Italy and came back with a better name.

**WILD MUSHROOM & WHITE TRUFFLE OIL — $17**
For people who observe Labor Day but prefer that their mushrooms have attended graduate school.

**GARY'S SURPRISE — $15**
Pepperoni, whipped ricotta & hot honey. At this point Gary's Surprise has been around long enough that nobody should actually be surprised.

**BUFFALO CHICKEN — $15**
Chicken, house-made Buffalo sauce and our house-made ranch if you want it. Blue cheese +$1.

And...

🔥 **2 HOT PIGS — $17**
Prosciutto. Bacon. Hot honey.

We briefly considered calling this **Three Little Pigs** and adding another pig.

Legal advised against it.

So that's Friday.

**5–7 PM.**

One size.

Feeds two.

Come get pizza.

Then spend the rest of Labor Day weekend honoring America's workers by doing as little actual labor as possible.

We'll handle the ovens.

— Gray House Pies

Click here for an update from Gray House Pies!

09/03/2026

THIS LABOR DAY, DON'T LABOR.

That's the whole point.

Do not peel apples.

Do not make pastry.

Do not roll dough.

Do not flour anything.

Do not Google “why is my pie crust shrinking?”

Generations of Americans fought very hard so that one Monday every September you could sit in a lawn chair while somebody else did all this crap.

We are those people.

There is, admittedly, a philosophical problem here:

If we're laboring on Labor Day so you don't have to labor, where the hell is our Labor Day?

Excellent question.

Management has promised to form a committee.

Meanwhile:

You celebrate Labor Day.
We'll labor.
You eat pie.

This pie appears only three weeks a year; Memorial Day, Fourth of July and Labor Day. Our Red, White and Blue Pie combines fresh peeled apples, tart cherries and plump blueberries for a flavor that would be popular all year long. Order yours now for the big weekend.

Click here for an update from Gray House Pies!

09/03/2026

Our Pie of the Week is our famous

'Elvis" Cream Pie

Elvis fans will know, the KIng's favorite sandwich was fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. That was the inspiration for our decadent Elvis pie. We start with our made-from-scratch vanilla pastry cream, mix in fresh bananas and pile it high on a layer of our own peanut butter sauce. Then we top it with fresh whipped cream and a drizzle of more peanut butter sauce.

Click here for an update from Gray House Pies!

09/02/2026

Just for Labor Day week......

Red, White & Blue pie

This pie appears only three weeks a year; Memorial Day, Fourth of July and Labor Day. Our Red, White and Blue Pie combines fresh peeled apples, tart cherries and plump blueberries for a flavor that would be popular all year long. Order yours now for the big weekend.

Click here for an update from Gray House Pies!

09/01/2026

It's hot.

Not regular hot.

**Walk outside and immediately reconsider your plans hot.**

Northeast Ohio is under a Heat Advisory, with temperatures around 90 and heat indexes pushing toward 100. ([news5cleveland.com][1], [forecast.weather.gov][2])

Fortunately, Gray House researchers have made an important medical breakthrough:

# # KEY LIME PIE.

For years, conventional medicine has told us the human body cools itself through perspiration.

Fine.

But researchers have completely overlooked what we call the:

# # **KEY LIME INTERNAL AIR-CONDITIONING RESPONSE™**

Here's how it works.

You eat a cold slice of Key Lime Pie.

The key lime receptors located somewhere between your esophagus and pancreas detect **Florida.**

This immediately sends a message to the hypothalamus:

**“COOL THIS PERSON DOWN.”**

The body then activates millions of microscopic biological air-conditioning units.

Within minutes, your internal thermostat begins dropping.*

One slice: **Cooling begins.**

Two slices: **Central air.**

Three slices: **You may need a sweater.**

Four slices: **Please contact Gray House immediately so we can document the case.**

There is also compelling nutritional evidence.

Key limes contain vitamin C.

Vitamin C contains the word **vitamin.**

Doctors recommend vitamins.

Therefore:

# # DOCTORS RECOMMEND KEY LIME PIE.

We don't know why Big Medicine has been so reluctant to acknowledge this.

Possibly paperwork.

So, for the duration of the heat wave, Pie Man is prepared to issue official prescriptions:

---

**GRAY HOUSE MEDICAL CENTER**

**PATIENT:** ____________________

**DIAGNOSIS:** It's ridiculously hot.

**PRESCRIPTION:** Key Lime Pie

**DOSAGE:** One slice every 4–6 hours or whenever patient complains about the humidity.

**REFILLS:** Obviously.

**DOCTOR:** Pie Man, P.I.E., B.S.

---

Symptoms indicating that you may require immediate treatment include:

• Sweating
• Irritability
• Standing directly in front of the refrigerator
• Saying *“It's not the heat, it's the humidity”*
• Wanting Key Lime Pie

That last symptom is particularly diagnostic.

So while everyone else is telling you to drink water, stay indoors and avoid strenuous activity—which, annoyingly, is actual good advice—we're adding:

**Eat Key Lime Pie.**

Cold.

Creamy.

Tart.

Refreshing.

And scientifically proven by absolutely nobody to activate your body's internal air conditioner.

**Come get one before somebody from the FDA reads this email.**

— Gray House Pies

*None of this is remotely medical advice. In actual extreme heat, drink water, stay cool and follow legitimate heat-safety guidance. Pie remains dessert.

[1]: news5cleveland.com/weather/heat-and-humidity-crank-up-across-northeast-ohio?utm_source=chatgpt.com (https://www.news5cleveland.com/weather/heat-and-humidity-crank-up-across-northeast-ohio?utm_source=chatgpt.com) "Heat and Humidity Crank Up Across Northeast Ohio"
[2]: forecast.weather.gov/MapClick.php?FcstType=text&lat=41.4803&lg=en&lon=-81.6833&unit=0&utm_source=chatgpt.com "National Weather Service"

Click here for an update from Gray House Pies!

09/01/2026

Are you on the GOOEY BUTTER CAKE band wagon???

How about a FREE slice this WEDNESDAY??
Huh, you don't even know what Gooey Butter Cake is?!?
Oh no!

Gooey Butter Cake: the uproarious rockstar of American desserts, flaunting its sumptuous audacity like a dessert daredevil. Imagine a sugar-coated pillow fight between clouds and rainbows, with a gooey wrestling match in the center. It's the dessert that turned gooeyness into an art form, leaving taste buds swooning like teenage fans at a pop concert. This confectionery diva has a gravitational pull stronger than a black hole of yumminess, with fans declaring it the official currency of dessert utopia. So addictive, it should come with a warning label: "Caution - may induce uncontrollable cravings and enthusiastic air guitar solos."

A little over the top? Maybe. Maybe not!
Anyway, enjoy a free slice with any $10 purchase THIS WEDNESDAY ONLY (and only if you mention this message - only people in 'our circle'
get FREE GOOEY CAKE.)
(blah blah blah 'legal' stuff; not available with any other promotion, discount or giveaway)

Click here for an update from Gray House Pies!