10/18/2026
OFFICIAL INCIDENT REPORT
Incident: Unauthorized Toaster Diving
Location: Bagel Shop
Date: This morning
Involved Party: Bagel Buddy
Reporting Party: Concerned Staff
INCIDENT SUMMARY
At approximately an unknown time this morning, a Bagel Buddy was observed using a toaster ramp as a makeshift diving board.
The Bagel Buddy proceeded to launch himself off the toaster in what appeared to be an attempt at a professional diving maneuver.
There was no pool.
There was no water.
There was, however, an impressive amount of confidence.
WITNESS STATEMENT
When asked why he was jumping off the toaster, the Bagel Buddy reportedly responded:
“Because I’m built for this.”
When asked if he had any previous diving experience:
“I watched the Olympics once.”
No further questions were asked.
ACTION TAKEN
The Bagel Buddy was instructed to immediately stop using the toaster as a diving board.
He did not.
Staff have been advised to keep a close eye on all toasters, ramps, counters, and other objects that may be interpreted as recreational equipment.
FINAL ASSESSMENT
The Bagel Buddy remains at large and appears to have no intention of following workplace safety procedures.
Report filed by,
The Strong Handsome Bagel Maker Who Saved The Bagel Buddy (and happens to be single 😉)
