04/22/2026
Post-London:
Upon returning from London, I’ve been reflecting a lot — on my path as a chef, my business, and how I’ve shown up within it.
For a long time, I felt like I was constantly seeking validation — in my personal life, my business, and even the way I told my story. I felt like I had to share a version of myself that wasn’t fully honest. I came into baking through recovery. I already felt I had to scream into the void for years in attempt to validate my ED experience. Without realizing it, that need for validation slowly made its way into my work.
Somewhere along the way, growth turned into pressure — to be better, to be the best. It became tied to perfectionism and ego, all in an effort to feel validated as a person and business.
Out of all my travel experiences, my time in France felt the most genuine. It came from a real desire to learn. I was working through myself in real time — navigating perfectionism, panic, and slowly discovering joy in "pretty food."
When I went to places to learn like NY, Spain, and even London, I can see that my intentions were different. I kept telling myself it was "something I had to do" — but I never stopped to ask why.
Looking back, I was searching for something outside of myself, because I didn’t yet know how to sit with who I am.
I was in a constant cycle of trying to improve, to be more, to finally feel like I was enough. And honestly, it’s fu***ng exhausting.
There’s this idea that traveling helps you find yourself. Maybe for some people it does. But for me, I’ve realized that I can’t escape myself — I’ve had to learn how to sit with who I am, as I am.
Although I learned a lot and had the privilege of travel, every time I came home, I felt the same quiet voice — like I didn’t find what I was looking for, something was still missing.
What I was searching for wasn’t somewhere else. It was something I needed to build within myself — learning to trust my voice, recognizing that I am already capable.
If I choose to travel again, I want it to be different. Not to find myself, but to truly be present. To share that time with family and friends.
For now, I'm learning to be present.
- Nikki
