09/22/2018
As my body recovers from the third big sick of the year, I am aware of my mind and my heart returning home, like a mound of clay on the wheel being guided back to center. I’m reflecting on the story I was reciting to myself recently that was throwing me off, causing me to sway and toss. It was weighted with the language of failure and loss. I can still hear the off key words—broken, sick, and twisted—raking through my my listening mind. I can feel the brick of narcissist stick in my throat, unspoken, but waiting to curse myself with it. These are old words for me. They’ve grown up and grown fat and mean, but I remember them from the very beginning.
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With language comes abstraction. Language is the frame of perception of what simply is. I don’t need words to feel the in-breath, and to know the out-breath, but words are there because I’m a human and we are worders. We use words to protect ourselves, and words to surrender. We use words to unearth fresh understanding and we cling to words to avoid changing. We use words to tell a story about others, and we use words to tell our beliefs about our own story. As a photograph is only a frame of a moment from a particular perspective and not the unfolding truth in time, so no word-set is truly the story as it is.
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Yet, words can be helpful. Today I choose to use words that I believe set me right with the world, and train me toward my true self. Today I will thank the old words for their service, even if I don’t yet understand their work helping me survive. Today I greet new words, and welcome them to my table. Loving papa. Learning monk. Breathing man. Surrendering human. Waiting lover. Waking spirit. Hilarious goof. Hustling worker. Emotional guide. Boy becoming a man. Wounded healer. Healing wounder. I have both shadow and light in this aging handsome body. I am a mixture. I am a full meal. These words will help me see me more clearly. They are a little bit of light on the path.
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Still, in the breath without words, is where—I am.
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