06/02/2026
I try not to take opinions personally, no one knows what someone else is going thru or what they have truly overcome. I'm so grateful for my blessing and the support I have in my life now. 20 years I was unmedicated, self medicating, and on am endless cycle of achievement and quitting without notice. I didn't know what bipolar really meant. Yes 3 or more episodes of mania or depression lasting more than 3 days in a 12 month period... I rapid cycle so I actually hit about 5 days of each every single month. The ability to quit a job, going to school, or even a drug is my super power. No thoughts about the future, my safety, nothing but uncontrollable need to stay hidden from the world... Leading to embarrassment and self hatred and self harm or at least thoughts of ending everything. To fail over and over did so much damage to my self esteem that I felt worthless most of my life.
To the outside I look lazy, terrible work ethic ( when I'm there I'm awesome but I called regularly) I just needed to try harder. I was irresponsible and had no motivation. But little do they know I cried so hard about going to work before I no call no showed... Knowing I needed to I needed the job but something in me wouldn't let me. Then embarrassment and self hatred usually ended up in drug use or drinking
My goals look different today. Take shower, tidy house, be there for kids and boyfriend ,embrace a hobby, DONT HATE YOURSELF! I guess I am stable ( my therapist said you call this stable?!) I don't think of hurting myself or how the world would be better without me very often. I can even admit to pride in myself and my home. I'm doing therapy ( 2 kinda) weekly and going to my psych in hopes that one day I will be able to make meaningful connections with people again without getting sick in my stomach... Then maybe I'll try for a part time job or something
But that's a long while in the future. First the grocery store alone for more than one item. Lol. Or maybe a movie or some outing with a friend outside the house. Who knows we just keep going to therapy and learning how to live with what my mind and body have decided.
If you're still reading thank you for listening to me blab. I have no reason for this post except to raise awareness of mental illness and how it can present.
Happy Tuesday Straight Jackets!! I love you all!!
