03/01/2023
Last year happened and while part of it felt like it fluttered by, there was a huge part of that definitely rested on its laurels as the months and quarters trudged on in somewhat dramatic fashion. While a new year typically feels like an excuse to begin on a new slate, but one canāt help but wonder if there is any point to starting anew if the old is still hanging on to the unresolved?
I wasnāt successful with my panettones last year (2022). I gave it 3 attempts and each attempt was a complete flop. Looking back at each dismal attempt, beyond the thousands of excuses I could find for those that I regretfully had to disappoint, (myself mostly), the blind faith of those who helped me as they watched me hang on to a mixer of dough soup that was doomed for failure in utter desperation, I wonder if I would change anything if I could somehow turn back the clock.
Yes, I would have started r&d earlier.
I would have refreshed my baking notes from last year.
I would have not underestimated the importance of pasta madre maintenance and strength maintenance.
I would have remembered that I was only successful the previous year because I was disciplined then.
I would have read more.
I would have learnt to ask for help.
I would have trusted my gut.
But, I wouldnāt change a thing. Yes, in the process of failure, I wasted 15 days, 30 trays of eggs, 10 kg of butter, half a litre of vanilla extract, 25Kg of Manitoba flour, 1 litre of honey and then some. (Thank goodness they found alternative life in bread puddings.)I remember that very moment of surrender, there was a voice in my head that kept saying āItās over, it canāt be saved. Just give up, youāre just not good enough. Donāt force it.ā I walked out of the bakery, sat outside for a while, felt sorry for myself for a longer while, swallowed my pride and apologized to those who had been with me through since my first failure.
Thanks to a particular angel of a dear friend whom I was chatting with about my tragic story and self-pity, I sat through a podcast interview with by Dave Chang. Shed a few tears, smiled a little, felt a little less lonely and a little more hopeful.
Failure is a tricky thing, it makes you think that the whole world revolves around you. It makes you feel like you deserve to be treated better just because you had a sh*tty bake. You canāt be more wrong. To embrace failure is still a new thing Iām trying but in the mean time, Iām working towards getting the basics and foundations right. Afterall, we have another 11 months donāt we?
Thank you for going out of your way to help me succeed and spending all those odd and long hours with me throughout the crazy couple of months.
Thank you for always checking in on me and offering me support, love and affirmation.
Thank you for believing in me.
You know who you are.