15/10/2026
🚨🍞 ON THE BREADLINE… AND ABSOLUTELY NO ONE IS BEHAVING THEMSELVES!! 🍞🚨
🔥 OTB HAS GOT MORE LOAVES THAN A BAKERY WITH AN IDENTITY CRISIS!! 🔥🤣
LOOK. AT. THAT. WALL. 👀🥖
It’s not a bread display. It’s a bloody architectural masterpiece built entirely out of carbs, bad decisions and enough crust to take the roof off your mouth. 🤣💀
We’ve got big ones, little ones, round ones, long ones, twisted ones, crusty ones and a few absolute units that look like they could knock your nan clean off her mobility scooter. 🛵💨😂
And before anyone starts banging on about cutting down on carbs… WE SELL BREAD, NOT MIRACLES, Karen. 🙄🍞
🥖🔥 WELCOME TO THE OTB CARBOHYDRATE CIRCUS!! 🔥🥖
👑 XL Artisan Sourdough – £7.95
The absolute UNIT. The heavyweight champion of bread. Bigger than your weekend regrets and probably heavier than your firstborn. You’ll need two hands, a strong back and possibly planning permission. 💪🏠🤣
😈 Wild English Sourdough – £6.50
Wild by name, feral by nature. More attitude than a teenager who’s just had the WiFi turned off. 📵💀
🥖 Rustic White Sourdough – £4.50
Crusty, gorgeous and full of character. Basically your husband, except this one’s actually useful in the kitchen. 💅😂
🖤 Malt & Rye – £4.95
Dark, mysterious and sophisticated. The bread equivalent of someone who drinks expensive coffee and judges your supermarket meal deal. ☕🧐
🌾 Granary Twist – £4.95
Packed with seedy goodness and twisted tighter than your mate after three Proseccos at bottomless brunch. 🥂🌀🤣
⚪ White Poppyseed – £4.95
Absolutely COVERED in seeds. You’ll still be finding them in your teeth next Thursday. Dental floss sold separately, you filthy animal. 🦷😂
🥖 Baltic White – £4.50
Beautifully crusty, gloriously fluffy and more reliable than 90% of the people in your contacts. 📱❤️
🏡 Cottage Loaf – £4.50
A proper chunky beauty. The sort of loaf that looks like it owns three properties and has never missed a mortgage payment. 💷🤣
🪢 Knot Bread – £4.00
More knots than your last relationship. At least this one’s worth getting involved with. 🚩😂
🧅 Onion Cob – £4.00
For people who love onions and couldn’t give a flying baguette about their breath. Romantic prospects sold separately. 💋☠️
🍞 Farmhouse White – £2.95
The dependable legend. No fancy nonsense, no drama. Just proper bread that knows its job and gets on with it. Unlike half the workforce on a Monday. 🫡🤣
🌶️ Chilli & Wild Garlic – £3.95
A spicy little troublemaker. Big flavour, big personality and breath that could strip wallpaper. 🔥🧄😘
🥊 Crusty White – £3.95
Hard on the outside, soft on the inside. Basically your dad after he’s told everyone he’s not crying at the wedding. 🥹😂
🧀 Cheese & Chive – £4.50
Cheesy, herby, filthy gorgeous. More addictive than scrolling through your ex’s Facebook at 2am. 👀🧀💀
🫖 Brown Teacakes – 75p
🫖 White Teacakes – 75p
SEVENTY-FIVE BLOODY PENCE!! 🤯 Butter them, toast them, demolish them. At that price, buying just one is frankly embarrassing. 🧈🤣
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🥧🚨 AND IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH… THE PIE ARMY HAS ARRIVED!! 🚨🥧
Because apparently having an entire wall of bread wasn’t enough carbohydrate-based violence for one establishment. 💀🤣
🥔 Meat & Potato – The proper northern belly-hugger. No messing about.
🥩 Steak – Big chunks of beefy happiness. Your salad could NEVER.
🧀 Cheese & Onion – A cheesy little masterpiece that’ll have your breath committing criminal offences.
🐑 Minted Lamb – So good you’ll be making inappropriate noises in public. Behave yourself, Margaret. 😭
🥩🧀 Steak & Stilton – Rich, bold and absolutely stinking with personality. Like your uncle after Christmas dinner.
🐔 Chicken, Ham & Leek – The posh one of the gang. Probably went to private school and calls dinner ‘supper’. 🎩
🍷🥩 Beef Bourguignon Topped with Mash – OH, YOU FILTHY LITTLE BEAUTY!! French-inspired beefy gorgeousness wearing a mashed potato hat. Gordon Ramsay would lose his entire vocabulary. 🤬🥔🔥
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🚨 A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM OTB 🚨
❌ We do NOT accept responsibility for trousers suddenly becoming too tight.
❌ We will NOT be held accountable for anyone eating half a loaf in the car before getting home.
❌ We CANNOT guarantee your partner will ever see the bread you promised to share.
✅ We DO fully support butter applied with the structural thickness of house insulation. 🧈🏠
THIS IS ON THE BREADLINE, NOT ON THE DIET PLAN!! 🍞💀