28/03/2021
Things I have learnt in my five meagre years of parenting. Also sorry to all the lovlies who have ordered something recently. Holidays soon and catch-up sewing is happening.
Squareangles are an actual way to cut your sandwich... but don't ask me what they look like. I do get this request frequently 🤷♀️
When your kid insists on you buying them a ridiculously oversized hat... buy the hat. Not only will it protect them from the sun and you don't have to force sun safety on them, one day that hat will fit them.
Never ever let your child be alone with the dog, house keys, car, a room with buttons (aka light switches) and especially not power tools. Not even the toy ones. They. Damage. Things.
Sticky geckos/lizards/dinos are just as painful to step on as lego... but they are emotionally painful, like traumatic, like wtf did I just step on a slug in the dark? Also (not parenting related) stepping on a slug in the dark is emotionally scarring.
Never mess with a toddler and their comfort toy. That just ain't funny. Buy three versions of said toy for the times it's hanging on the line because that thing got so filthy you can't believe you allowed it in the house, let alone next to your kid's face 🤢.
There is some kind of irony staying awake into the wee hours reading up about sleep training.
Read books. Like to your kids. Don't ignore them and read a novel in their waking hours. Read every damn picture book that comes into your possession. And know that they will find the most repetitive ones to have you recite to them every night. 🦄
Hide all the money! There is a phase somewhere between 3 and 5 years of age, where they are acutely aware of it's value and too cute to acuse them of stealing.
School photos are expensive... period. Replicating them in your own home is not possible unless you invite the whole class over in their school uniform (also expensive).
Kids are expensive.
Leaving the house is expensive.
Leaving the house wearing clothes is asking too much some days. If you are aged two it's most days.
You think you have your kid sussed out and pack said clothes in the car of their usual preference only for them to change their mind and choose the other car (major first world problem here) only for them to have a tantrum whilst you are retreating to aforementioned car to retrieve clothes so the kid is actually wearing clothes.
Expect them to be a rambling, muttering mess of words most of the time. And when I say "them" I mean sleep deprived parents.
Accept all the help. All of it. Even if it's the neighbour from across the back fence who offers to fix your sprinkler because the lawnmower peeps you hired once in a blue moon managed to chop up the retic with one foul swoop of the whipper snipper. True story. Still dirty on the lawnmower dude.
Play.
Enjoy the sunshine and just forget about the previous 20 minutes spent wrestling children like seals on a beach just to get the sunscreen on them. Apparently spray sunscreen works better... but my kids disagree and feel truely invaded by the sq**rt of greasy liquid just before they plan to jump in the water. *See previous hat comment.
Cuddle.
Nevermind. If your kid wants a cuddle they will permanently attach themselves to you and make sure "cuddle" is one of the first words in their vocabulary. If they don't, so help you God. I have one kid that says "thanks" when I tell her I love her.
Bed time is a blessing, but you will have to work to get there.
It takes at least 2000 steps on my fitbit to get my kids ready in the morning.
They will always sleep in on a work day and wake early on a weekend.
Life has changed forever with their presence and they are a constant form of entertainment.
Let me know if you want Part 2 😉
